Saturday, October 25, 2014

Being Honest

If I’m being totally honest!  Opening up to the world is not an easy thing for me.  I like to guard my feelings, if I'm not in a good mood, I hide in my room.  If I'm sick I find a corner.  So here goes nothing.....

1.       I don’t miss all that STUFF.  So much to clean, keep organized, feed, weed..  Clutter gets into your brain space.  I don't miss the space or the house really, just the people that made up 'life'.
2.       I don’t miss the hustle and bustle.  I always had someplace to be, or something to do.  I like being responsible but I think we all just needed a break from it all.
3.       I am mostly content to stay in my campground space.  I can walk the beach or down the drive anytime.  Sometimes the small space, noise and lack of much to do drives us to town.  That’s fine to.
4.       I like the challenge of camper cooking, but yes there are days when I stack pans in the way to small oven and spill beans all over… and hate my small oven.  I can’t wait to have a proper grill to bake on.
5.       Driving scares me, I see traffic backups on a daily basis from our front window and hear of tragedies on the roads and would be happy never driving anywhere… but then boredom and the need for something is stronger than the fear.  I refuse to be a prisoner of my fears.
6.       I have never regretted moving.  The pure joy of having hubby home every night is awesome.  No empty spot beside me in bed.  A reason to make a real dinner every night.  No waiting for the weekend to have a real conversation.  The kids get to tell him good night EVERY night.
7.        I have gained a tan and weight since the move.  The tan is obviously from the warm sun which I LOVE to be able to bask in.  The weight is much needed, not a lot but enough to feel healthy again.  I am a stress NON eater, so keeping weight on, while stressing about essentially being a single mom of 4 kids, a farm and sewing business all week was hard.  I would feed the kids but never take the time to make food I could eat. 
8.       I have a list of things (that I will not share) that I hope to change while here.  Some are big things, some small...  One of them is how close we are as a family, and I LOVE seeing that change.  My kids still get annoyed with each other, I still get annoyed with them but we can’t hide away somewhere.  We have learned to deal and appreciate each other more.   I have seen a change in how we all interact with each other and being able to include my hubby in that circle is an awesome blessing.
9.       I look at the storage trailer full of totes, grateful we got to bring some along but still wonder why we saved half of it lol.  I know it felt necessary at the time, it’s a process letting go and now we are at the point wondering why it was on the list to bring. 
10.    I don’t think we will be ‘Nomads’ for the rest of our lives, we do plan to settle down back into a ‘normal’ home…somewhere..  But right now, I can’t see that happening soon.  We went into this knowing it would be a year or so in a travel trailer, but due to the already dramatic changes we were making, we only admitted that to ourselves...Sometimes.
11.    The idea of moving came up many times over the years.  We tried everything we could to not have to move (except putting the kids in public school and me getting a full time job).  Nothing really was working out.  I used to get fuming mad when the idea was brought up of moving away from family or hubby going back into a semi truck.  We have now done both of those things, not because I decided I liked the idea but because you do what you have to do for family.  We didn’t move to TX for the JOB we moved for our family.  Our focus changed from everyone else to our little household of kids, husband and wife.  That’s who we are raising and that’s who we need to put first as family.
12.     I am a firm believer that if something is meant to be, it will work out.  God doesn’t just look down and leave us to figure it out on our own.  Throughout the process he gave us little confirmations that this was still his plan.  It all worked out, not necessarily how we envisioned it, but we made it, no vehicle troubles, we have food, we have a safe place to stay, hubby has a job, no one has been sick.  I have peace in the depths of my soul about leaving our comfort zone and moving across the country.
13.    Many times on the drive down here I had to leave it in God’s hands.  I had to remind myself that he wouldn’t get us this far and leave us.  I knew he would get us here and I had to just let the worry about something bad happening go and pray (constantly, out loud in traffic even) that I would feel peace and just drive safe.
14.    I am a social being, hubby not so much..  Our 9 yr old is very much like his father.  He needs to have familiarity, routine, feel safe and he needs his alone time too.  So much of our planning was with this in mind.  We had our trailer ahead of time and let the kids sleep in it, play in it, just sit in it so that it would feel and smell familiar when everything else changed.  I thought it was only for everyone else sake, but it has become my haven as well.
15.    Church…  this is such a difficult one.  We were raised in church, we want our kids in church but finding a church that teaches it straight, accepts my children’s quirks and personalities, and doesn’t expect me to waver is a lot harder that I thought.  We have visited some here, and found one where we could go to for a while.  Since we are on the move north a bit it’s not permanent.  Pray we find something, they are different down here for sure.  In the North we were asked about being Amish a lot, in the south, it's Pentecostal lol.  Makes us chuckle but it’s a glimpse into the differences.
16.   I have shed a few tears since we moved.  Not many and always at odd times when reminded or just missing everyone.  Funny thing is, it's not the space or the yard I miss, but the people that made up my life.  I miss the random stops from friends and family.  The kids that always collected at our house.  Always having way more mouths as 'taster' when I would have fun in the kitchen.  I don't miss the stuff, I miss the faces and hugs :-)  and hellos, and can you help me and quick sewing jobs and.....  Yup, it's People that make up your world, cherish them!

And there you go.. a few thoughts I keep wrapped up inside. Enjoy your family, Enjoy your friends...  Enjoy your journey!!

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